Life is stressful, and I feel myself taking it out on you too often. Almost everything in my life is causing me stress and I'd much rather just be alone and soldier through it all; but you can't do that when you're a dad. You can't just put your head down and go on autopilot until things get better. You have to be there, you have to be available, you have to be happy and helpful all the time. And I just don't have it in me right now. Does that make me a bad dad?

I feel like I'm doing more than enough; working 6 days a week, being pretty much the only financial support that this apartment of 4 people has at the moment. Your mom has crashed and burned on her own, again, and once more I'm forced to help her out. You'd think that she'd be able to keep the house clean or maybe find a job, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I just wish I had the energy for you. I take you to the park, and I don't even have the drive to play with you for long. I want to see you happy, but you just want to spend time with me I guess. I'm gone all week working so you want to actually play with me on the day I have off.... but that's the last thing I want to do. What I want to do is just curl up and sleep for the day. Or go back to work.

That's a scary thought; I'd almost rather be at work 7 days a week than have a day off. Working gives me something to do, something solid to work towards. Rewards are equal to my performance. Payment for effort is fair. And it gets me out of this apartment, away from this crushing oppressive atmosphere where I don't even really feel at home in my own bedroom.

I just don't have any personal space anymore, unless I'm at work. There, I'm alone for 6 hours a day or more, just knocking on doors at my own pace. I can sit down and be by myself for a few minutes whenever I like. But at home, there's always somebody or something DEMANDING my attention; you're the prime one there but your mom isn't much better. My girlfriend poses a similar problem but at least I can lay down and relax with her and she's happy.



Maybe I'm just too selfish to be a good dad. Does needing some time to myself make me a bad dad? I don't want to think so. But I'm also supposed to be putting you first in all things, and I feel like I'm not. I feel like I'm not capable of putting you first, that if I did I'd lose my mind because I wouldn't be able to derive any enjoyment from anything.



Maybe I was never cut out for this. I'm just doing the best I can though. I hope that in 10 years you'll see it as good enough.