Life is stressful, and I feel myself taking it out on you too often. Almost everything in my life is causing me stress and I'd much rather just be alone and soldier through it all; but you can't do that when you're a dad. You can't just put your head down and go on autopilot until things get better. You have to be there, you have to be available, you have to be happy and helpful all the time. And I just don't have it in me right now. Does that make me a bad dad?

I feel like I'm doing more than enough; working 6 days a week, being pretty much the only financial support that this apartment of 4 people has at the moment. Your mom has crashed and burned on her own, again, and once more I'm forced to help her out. You'd think that she'd be able to keep the house clean or maybe find a job, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I just wish I had the energy for you. I take you to the park, and I don't even have the drive to play with you for long. I want to see you happy, but you just want to spend time with me I guess. I'm gone all week working so you want to actually play with me on the day I have off.... but that's the last thing I want to do. What I want to do is just curl up and sleep for the day. Or go back to work.

That's a scary thought; I'd almost rather be at work 7 days a week than have a day off. Working gives me something to do, something solid to work towards. Rewards are equal to my performance. Payment for effort is fair. And it gets me out of this apartment, away from this crushing oppressive atmosphere where I don't even really feel at home in my own bedroom.

I just don't have any personal space anymore, unless I'm at work. There, I'm alone for 6 hours a day or more, just knocking on doors at my own pace. I can sit down and be by myself for a few minutes whenever I like. But at home, there's always somebody or something DEMANDING my attention; you're the prime one there but your mom isn't much better. My girlfriend poses a similar problem but at least I can lay down and relax with her and she's happy.



Maybe I'm just too selfish to be a good dad. Does needing some time to myself make me a bad dad? I don't want to think so. But I'm also supposed to be putting you first in all things, and I feel like I'm not. I feel like I'm not capable of putting you first, that if I did I'd lose my mind because I wouldn't be able to derive any enjoyment from anything.



Maybe I was never cut out for this. I'm just doing the best I can though. I hope that in 10 years you'll see it as good enough.

Why won't you just EAT.....

Buddy, you're driving me nuts these past few days.

Your picky eating has gone on too long, and I can't deal with it anymore. We're super broke at the moment while I transition from school to summer job, we don't have the money to be making special meals just for you. Anne makes great meals for us, seriously, you should be appreciative. The stuff she cooks up is so much better than Mr.Noodles and KD. So why don't you eat it? Why do you sit there and watch us eat the delicious stew and refuse to do so yourself? You're not getting anything else. You go to bed hungry.

But when you wake up, and the stew is still waiting for you, you declare you're not hungry. How long is this going to last? Yesterday when you wouldn't touch your dinner from the night before, I caved and made you perogies. But today I'm not going to. And in some ways it worries me; I mean you're 4 years old and all you've had to eat in pretty much the last 2 days has been a handful of perogies, an orange, and some cucumber. I can see that you're hungry. And yet you refuse to eat.

All that's in it are potatoes, carrots, celery, beef, and some peppers. You like all of those things. You even asked me for carrots instead, before I corrected you by saying that there IS carrots in the stew. But you won't touch it. You come up with a million excuses why not. Some of them don't even make sense. Why can't you eat stew on a cloudy day?

I'm sorry for getting so angry about it all. Part of me is sorry you've spent so much time in your room in time-out today, but I also feel very justified in it. I'm supposed to be the boss here; you eat what I put in front of you, and if you refuse to talk to me or explain what's going on in your head I don't see anything else I can do. I give you fair warning. But I don't want to be constantly punishing you.

I've been looking forward to this long weekend all week at work, expecting to have a great time with you. Not only has it been a terrible rainy mess all weekend, but you've also been fighting me every step of the way. I get an extra day off to spend with you, and this is how you want to spend it? Ugh.